


Unwell

by paxton1976



Series: Found, and Lost [4]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Quiet strength, Rape Aftermath, Self-Doubt, Self-Worth Issues, Unconditional Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:44:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9085078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976
Summary: Continuation of Found, and Lost: This installment deals with Kaneki's doubts, internal mental battle and how much time and effort it will take realistically to get better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Deep depression. If anyone tells you they have PTSD and they don't have the deep, gnawing depression, they are lying. The voices come almost immediately after the shock of the situation wears off. They tell you that you're flawed, unworthy, beyond meaningless. They shred every last bit of self you have...and then come back for more. I literally spent days warring within myself. Sometimes it was internal, other times I was yelling at the mirror, the wall, the other side of the pillow. The sad thing is while you are listening and arguing with the voices, you don't get better. Once you realize you have to ignore them and let them say their piece, that's when you get the upper hand. In the beginning, you feel like you are losing. The voice of doubt and self-worth is the harshest you will ever hear. It has brought me to tears, brought me to my knees. It has made me hurl things at walls, smash things with my fists. I cannot say I am proud of this time. It brought out the worst in me. 
> 
> But then comes the time you start to see the spark of life in your eyes again. You see a glimmer of sun in the world. That's when it becomes worth it. For me, this was the hardest part of PTSD to overcome. I still have issues with this. I'm not going to lie. It's part of why I haven't written anything lately. I had to regather myself, reclaim my strength and push forward. This will be a never ending battle.
> 
> Depression is only a part of PTSD and not solely related to PTSD by any means. If you are depressed, please realize you are not alone. Your feelings are valid and no one can tell you otherwise. And please do the best thing you can for your well being. Get help. You are worth it. Don't go quietly into the night. Fight with every fiber of your being.
> 
> Theme song for this installment is Unwell by Matchbox Twenty. This song describes someone's battle with mental illness perfectly. I cannot say enough about this song other than I am so glad it was written, produced and released. If you have never heard it, I strongly urge you to do so.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

You can follow me on tumblr [here](http://paxohana.tumblr.com). Stay up to date on latest chapters, story progress, if you have an idea, or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 _All day staring at the ceiling_  
_Making friends with shadows on my wall_  
_All night hearing voices telling me_  
_That I should get some sleep_  
_Because tomorrow might be good for something_

 

_You're a waste._

He opened a gritty eye and sighed deeply. It was starting early this morning, afternoon or whatever the fuck it was. He rolled onto his back and rubbed the sleep away with his delicate fingers. He took a deep breath to ground himself. This had become an every day occurrence.

_You're a waste of breath._

He smirked. So they weren't going to play nice today. He cleared his mind the best he could and thought about the pleasant things that had taken place the past three or four months. Uta made true to his word, he was pretty much the following puppy. The thought made him chuckle as he pulled the dirty tank top over his head.

_Do you think he wants to follow you everywhere? He has better things to do than babysit you. You're nothing but a chore to him, a burden, a pain._

He scrunched the shirt and hurled it at the corner of dirty clothes. The anxious ball of wrong had begun to knot itself in his abdomen. He could feel it spreading, tangling through every fiber of his being. He dropped his head in his hands, counting to ten slowly and taking deep cleansing breaths. Yoshimura-sama had been working with him on calming techniques. The sage ghoul had mentioned he would have times he didn't know if he would make it out alive. All he had to do was depend on those that love him, were there for him and fight tooth and nail. This internal warfare was a life and death, front line battle. Anyone who told him other wise was full of shit and didn't know what the fuck they were talking about.

_You're a waste of space. Hurry up already. No one wants you here. End it. NOW!_

His head whipped to his lover who was stacking books and designs with Hinami and Touka, figuring out what he would need for the day. Renji had come over early that morning, under much duress, to rearrange the archaic easels the mask-maker had insisted on keeping.

“Why you don't buy better, _LIGHTER_ , ones is beyond me.”

“Aw...Renji-kun, they add flair, such character!” Uta scampered by with a flourish. The silver-haired ghoul spat a colorful feather away from his mouth while muttering about “fucking flair.”

_See, they'll be just fine without you. Life will go on. It's like you were never there. They are the selfish ones, expecting you to be there. Do they know? Do they understand? How could they?_

He caught the loving smile Uta always gave him the first time he saw him each day. The mask-maker stopped whatever he was doing, grabbed a fresh mug of coffee and made his way to the half-ghoul. He handed the mug to the young man and pulled his body against his, breathing in the wonder that was Kaneki. It was one of Uta's favorite times of the day. The young man felt stiff in his arms today, causing the mask-maker to frown.

“What's wrong, Ken?” Uta asked, pressing a light kiss to the young man's neck. The white-haired man pushed the other away and stepped out of the embrace.

“All this,” the man gestured around him, “Today's the day! The day the great Uta displays the newest and finest of his collection! And it's fabulous! Yay!”

By the time he was finished everyone was starting at the unexpected eruption. His eyes were wild, crazy, he was clapping enthusiastically, hugging Uta excessively. The mask-maker was trying to get a hold on the half-ghoul but it wasn't to be. Renji stepped in and pulled the young man to the back room, followed closely by Uta.

“Asshole, what the fuck was that?” Renji growled.

“Oh nothing!”

_They have their lives, you have nothing. You are nothing. You're beneath nothing._

Kaneki brushed a hand over his eyes before continuing, “I am really happy for you, I just feel...”

“What?” Uta tilted the young man's face up, brushing his lips against other's. Bi-colored eyes dropped to the ground, tears trailing behind.

“I'm nothing,” he whispered. The mask-maker flinched and Renji placed a hand on the young man's shoulder. He nudged the hand off and jumped to his feet.

“You don't get it,” he said lowly, “You have your shop which is doing fabulous. Congratulations, by the way. Wait, hold that thought,” Kaneki held a hand up before the mask-maker could get a word in. He looked to the taller ghoul.

“And you: You're everyone's friend. You're there for everyone. You make things happen behind the scenes and everything flows seamlessly. So good job, Renji!” Ken finished, applauding animatedly again. The other two ghouls were regarding him with concern.

“Ken, you know I couldn't have accomplished all this with the shop without your help,” Uta offered.

“That's a lie and you know it. I've been nothing but a hindrance, a thorn in your side.”

“Kaneki Ken!”

The half-ghoul halted at those words. He could feel the displeasure seep through every pore in his body from his lover's tone. He closed his eyes and gulped as he heard footfalls stomp towards him.

“Hindrance? Thorn in your side? You did nothing? What the fuck? You were there every minute of this display! You made some wonderful suggestions and even made a few pieces that I am so proud to exhibit! How can you say that?”

“Ok, since we're going to go through the list,” Kaneki broke to shove a finger against Uta's chest, “ I don't remember having the ability to leave the shop while you were working on this exhibition...”

“You knew why you were in the shop! And I told you it wasn't because I didn't trust you, I wanted to keep you safe, with me!”

“Yeah, which you did but did you even think about what I wanted? We never talked about this, did we, _lover_? The suicide problem went away. Everything else is still there. I'm still lost. I still feel horrible. I'm still fighting everything that has been going on in my mind since Yamori. You know how that feels? Oh let me tell you. Pretty fucking wonderful!! NOT!!! I'm alone, Uta. No one knows how I feel. Not you, not Renji, not Touka, not Hinami, not...”

“Ken, you aren't alone,” Uta whined out of desperation, reaching an arm out to the man. He would do anything for his love, but obviously what he was doing wasn't working.

'I. AM. ALONE. _DO YOU NOT GET IT??_ ” Kaneki bellowed before shoving away from the scaffolding and jumping from building to building, running for the 20th District quickly.

 

* * *

 

_You're useless._

_Why were you even born?_

_Even your mom didn't want you._

_You thought Hide was your friend? HA! Thought wrong!_

_We've had this conversation before. I told you you would end up alone._

_Now you have someone giving you a sliver of hope..._

“It's not a sliver,” he whispered as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

_Before he disappears too. Everyone leaves you in the end. You have no one._

_Why don't you accept it, just end it? You don't even have to end it. Crawl into a ball, close your eyes and just don't wake up. It won't hurt. You won't be sad. You won't be._

He heard the quiet click of the front door, the soft squeal of the hinges and the knob clasping again. Great, he had visitors. The thought made him laugh sardonically. He rolled over, flopping dramatically onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He held his hand above his head, watching the rays of sun and dust jump around his fingers.

“If you're here to kill me, I'm in the bedroom. And I would ask that you make it quick. I do believe I've been waiting long enough.”

He heard the groan of one man before sitting on the couch in his living room. Footsteps echoed on the polished floor towards his room, muffling when they met the plush carpet. He opened his eyes slightly, acknowledging his visitor.

“Why are you here?” he asked, not betraying any emotion.

“Whether you believe it or not, we do care. A lot. You're not at the point that you can see it right now. Your mind is going to come up with every interaction you have with us and turn it against you. Yoshimura was explaining this to me on the way over. I don't even know if I get all of it,” he stated, removing his trench coat and placing it over the young man's desk, “I didn't know you still kept your apartment?”

“The early cancellation fee is a bitch,” he mumbled, the sliver of a smile appearing on his lips. Renji caught it before huffing in amusement.

“Big brother always has to stick it to the little man, eh?” he ruffled white locks gently before lying next to Kaneki, “I'm not here to hash what has gone wrong or how things could have changed or what this looks like, what that word meant. You're going to have to talk with Yoshimura-sama about that. OK?”

He watched the young man nod, wondering why the silver-haired ghoul was there.

“I'm here so you can get all those doubts out in a safe place. Nothing you say is wrong, nothing you think or say will be judged, nothing is too much, nothing is too little. If you need to scream, yell. If you need to punch, hit me. If you need to cry, I'm here. And then when you're done with that, I'm here to tell you that you aren't alone and you are loved.”

“But Uta. I was so mean to him,” he whispered, tear falling down his cheek.

“He knows, Ken. No one ever said this was going to be easy for either of you. He knows, and he loves you. Now lay down and get comfortable.”

Kaneki did as the older ghoul instructed, laying on his left side. He could feel the heat of the other man feet away. The thoughts were already flowing through his head just from a simple request he wanted to ask the man.

_Why would he do that? He'll think you're a homo!_

_What have you done to deserve to have him run his fingers through your hair? What would Uta think? Renji putting the moves on you? Way to go, asshole!_

_HA! You want to ask him because it's relaxing and feels good. You WANT to relax??? Oh! That's good!_

Kaneki took in a deep shaky breath and shifted slightly on the mattress.

“What, Ken?”

“It's nothing.”

“Ken...if this is going to work you and I need to be honest.”

“I wanted you to play with my hair a little because it...well, yeah, it feels good and relaxing,” Kaneki muttered.

“Ok, and why didn't you?”

“The voices said not to. They said you'll think I'm a homo, that Uta will think you are taking advantage of me and I'm not worthy of relaxation,” he whispered, tear trickling down. He heard Renji sigh before pressing his chest against the other's back.

“Me? Think you're a homo? I wouldn't quite put it that way, but you are dating my best friend,” the taller ghoul nudged the younger one and chuckled, “Besides, don't call yourself a homo. That's degrading. Me? Take advantage of you? You're both too high maintenance for me. Next! Wait, what was the next question?”

“I don't deserve relaxation,” Ken smiled softly through tears.

“Little man, if anyone deserves some down time it's you. Come here.”

The half-ghoul scooted closer to Renji and exhaled softly when he felt skilled fingertips thread through his silky locks. The gentle massaging was mesmerizing. He could feel his eyes fluttering shut. He could vaguely make out the words the silver-haired ghoul was murmuring.

_He's only doing this because he feels bad for you. Nothing is going to change. Charity case._

“No, he's not. Shut up,” Ken retorted sleepily. He felt quiet laughter erupt against his back as he drifted to dreamland.

 

* * *

 

The insane feminine laughter startled him from sleep. He opened his eyes slowly, always terrified he was going to be back in that alley when he heard her voice. He focused on the surroundings of his apartment, thanking the powers that be that he was safe.

_But you aren't safe, are you? I may be gone, but I'm always with you. This would have been so much easier if you had gone quietly into the night. But you had to draw it out. And now look where you are? Look at you._

He rolled onto his back, realizing he was alone. He covered his face with his hands and took a deep, shaky breath. Maybe if he just ignored her, she would shut up.

_Haven't you learned by now, my dear Kaneki? I never leave. I'm always here. But you're ignoring me. This is no fun._

The half-ghoul rose from the bed and made his way to the living room, ignoring the two men talking. He had never been talkative when he first awoke, but since Yamori it was worse. He was constantly bombarded by whispers and voices no one else could hear. He did his best to block them out until he could gain some semblance of control.

He made a fresh pot of coffee, trying his hardest to ignore Rize's rantings.

_Ken, come out and play. It's so much more fun when there is another!_

_I can't believe you are ignoring me! After all the time you wanted...vied for my attention. You finally got it and now you treat me like this! You are ungrateful. You are worse than ungrateful. You are nothing! Why do I waste my time on you?_

“You could always leave,” he offered quietly.

“You say something?” Renji asked, pausing his conversation with the other man. He shrugged and turned back to Yoshimura when the half-ghoul shook his head.

_Be happy you get attention from someone. I'm the only one that's here for you. I'm always here for you. The others will tire of you eventually, and you'll be all alone...again. But I'm always here for my sweet Kaneki._

“I'm not your sweet anything,” he growled, throwing the spoon he was holding onto the counter. He turned and stalked to the bathroom, slamming the door so hard cracks formed next to the jamb. He regarded his reflection in the small mirror above the pedestal sink. He looked worn out, almost haggard. His eyes were still lifeless, but he could tell the spark was trying to make it's way back. The dark circles under his eyes betrayed the facade of him getting enough sleep. His face was thinner and the bones in his neck and shoulders more pronounced. He had lost too much weight. He blinked once before opening the cabinet hidden behind the mirror. He grabbed a toothbrush and toothpaste with one hand and closed the cabinet with the other. He placed the items on the sink, glancing up at the mirror to his reflection. He wasn't alone.

_Kaneki, you haven't been taking care of yourself. Why would anyone want you if you can't do a simple thing like that?_

The familiar purple hair was tickling his left shoulder. She lifted her head and empty sockets met his eyes in the mirror. Skinless fingers caressed his shoulders gently, blood dripping as her lipless mouth grinned evilly. She was mocking him, mocking every sense of him. She had started tearing him down before Yamori, but she helped in the final descent of his madness.

Kaneki closed his eyes and counted to five. He opened them slowly, looking back in the mirror. She was still there, laughing at him. He felt unfamiliar anger bubble up. He wanted to tear her to shreds. She made him this! Why didn't he get to confront her?

_Oh Kaneki, this is so highly amusing! You think you could change the outcome? You think you'd still be that clueless college boy? Oh think again my dear! You would either be this..._

She placed the thin bones of her fingers on his shoulders and moved her head to his other shoulder. She was so close he should have felt her breath against his neck.

_...or dead._

“Shut up, Rize! Just shut the fuck up!” he screamed as he launched a fist into the mirror. He watched it shatter into splinters and rain onto the bathroom floor. He just stood there, breathing heavily as her voice faded away. He felt a hand on his shoulder and reflexively spun around, planting his fist into the tight muscles of Renji's abdomen. He hit the silver-haired ghoul so hard he flew back into the wall, cracking the plaster upon impact. The half-ghoul's eyes widened and hands cupped his mouth when he realized what he had done.

“Renji, I'm sorry. Oh god I'm so sorry,” he cried as he tried to help the man to his feet.

“Those sparring practices have paid off,” the taller man joked.

“No, it's not funny.”

“So...” Renji started, trying to change the subject, “What did the mirror do to piss you off?”

“Rize was there,” the young man said quietly.

“Ken, Rize's gone. She has been for quite a while.” The half-ghoul shook his head.

“No, she's not. She's in my mind. She has been since I became...” he stopped, looking down at his hands and then meeting the other man's eyes, “became this. She's always been haunting me. She doesn't stop. It's worse when it's her and Yamori. I just want to die.”

“I'm not going to invalidate how you feel, but I see a flaw with that train of thought,” Renji declared. The white-haired ghoul threw him a questioning look, inviting him to continue.

“You're alive. They aren't. I don't doubt they are still with you in some sense, but I bet you and Yoshimura could work on it. It's not going to be easy, kid, but I know you can do it. You're a tough little guy, you know that?” he said, chuckling as he threw an arm around the young man's shoulders. He knew he had messed up the minute the half-ghoul froze and face went blank.

“Ken, talk to me. Let's talk this out. Come on,” Renji goaded.

“Yamori. He did the same thing when I said I'd go with him if he let the others live. He lied. He lied to me,” Kaneki whined, looking at the other man with such desperation, “Everyone lies. Everyone lies to me. Why?”

“I can't answer that. I can only answer for myself. What good is it to lie to someone? I will admit, I will cover something up if it keeps them safe. But outright lie? No. Who has lied to you?”

“Mom. My aunt. Rize. Touka. Nishiki. I'm sure Uta has to protect me,” he said, stopping after the last sentence left his mouth. Uta. Lying. The thought hurt his heart, physically hurt in his chest. He began to feel himself hyperventilating. He grabbed his head as he fought to maintain his sanity.

“Yoshimura!”

Kaneki had fallen to his knees by the time the old ghoul made it to them. He knelt beside the young man, gathering smooth hands into gnarled, wrinkled ones.

“Ken, you're ok. You're safe. Think of the riverside. Think of the toy boats moving with the spring wind,” he encouraged quietly. The man was trying to get Kaneki to concentrate on his focal point, a memory that would bring him peace. He fought to clear his mind and steady his breathing. He continued listening to the man's soothing voice as his heart slowed to a normal beat. He looked between Yoshimura and Renji, smiling faintly to dispel the worry etched on their faces.

“Welcome back,” the old man smiled, “How are you feeling?”

“Worn out. I really hate panic attacks. I hate the way I think about everything. When will this stop?”

“It's going to take time, Ken. I know you don't want to hear that. Time is your friend and your enemy in this aspect. But I need to know what you want to work on next, so I want to ask you some questions. Is that ok?”

The half-ghoul nodded. He listened attentively and answered each question to the best of his ability. The other man seemed pleased with the replies and quickly came up with a plan of action.

“Just one more question, Ken, and this one is very important. Ready?”

“Yeah,” he replied hesitantly.

“What's 1000 minus seven?”

The white-haired man jerked his head up, jaw open and eyes wide as he looked in front of him. The other two ghouls were frowning at him.

“What...what did you just say?” Kaneki asked, struggling to hold the thread of his sanity.

“I asked if you would like Uta to join us from time to time. I think it would be beneficial for both of you.”

The half-ghoul stared at the older man for a moment before swallowing harshly. He took a deep breath and held out his hands. He was shaking like a leaf.

“I swear I heard Yamori,” he said softly, “I heard what's 1000 minus seven?”

Renji's eyebrows shot up as the older man sighed heavily. He patted the young man's shoulder with a wizened hand.

“You're already doing better, Ken. You can say it without losing yourself. I'm very proud of you.”

The half-ghoul shrugged and helped the older man to his feet. Yoshimura mentioned something about making a proper cup of coffee, leaving the other two in the hallway. Renji was inspecting the indentation in the wall.

“Hey, how much was your early cancellation fee?”

“Like 30000 yen.”

“How about your security deposit?”

The half-ghoul glanced at the other man, wondering where he was going with this.

“80000 yen. Why?”

“You probably should have broke the lease. Between the cracks around the bathroom door, the broken medicine cabinet and the wall, you just lost your deposit,” Renji deadpanned. Kaneki looked to the bathroom then back to the wall. Moments later he burst into laughter, hearty laughter. The silver-haired man smiled wryly at him. They were both laughing when the older ghoul joined them in the hallway, speaking with someone on the phone.

“Yes, that's him. Yes, he's laughing. I know, wonderful isn't it? Okay. Here he is. See you in a little while,” Yoshimura ended the conversation and handed the phone to the half-ghoul.

“Hello?”

_“That is the most beautiful sound I've heard in months.”_

“Uta,” Kaneki said breathlessly.

_“Hi. Have a good day?”_

“Not really, but it was productive. Renji and Yoshimura came over to my apartment. Renji and I talked...” he said before he was interrupted by the silver-haired ghoul.

“Which you knew already because you've texted me twenty-seven times today!” Renji yelled, loud enough for the mask-maker to hear him.

_“Tell him to shut up. I was concerned. What did you talk about?”_

“My doubt. The state of my mind. Why I over analyze everything said and everyone's actions. The voices I hear. Why I think I'm not worthy of anything. I think I finally realized what a process it's going to be to get through all of this. And it's going to take a lot of work.”

_“I know you can do it, Ken. I have faith in you. I'll be there for you every step of the way. I'm sorry about this morning and overlooking the way you've been feeling the past few weeks. I will try to be more receptive from now on. If something is bothering you, please tell me. I'm not going to turn you away.”_

“Promise?”

_“Cross my heart and hope to die...but I really don't want to die.”_

The half-ghoul smiled at the popular children's reference. He remained silent while he thought about how to phrase what was on his mind.

_“Ken? Are you still there?”_

“Yeah. I need to ask you something.”

_“Anything, love.”_

“Will you come with me when I meet Yoshimura sometimes? All of us can talk about what will work and what isn't working. And maybe it can be a safe space for both of us to get out what's bothering us?”

_“I'd love to, Ken. Let me know when and I'll be there.”_

“Thanks. Hey Uta?”

_“Hmm?”_

“I'm sorry I'm so crazy. I never meant for it to be this way.”

_“Oh sweetheart, you aren't crazy. You're just a little unwell. And for what it's worth, there's no where I'd rather be.”_

“I love you so much, Uta.”

_“I love you too, Ken. Now let me get off the phone so I can close this up and come over.”_

“Ok. It won't be soon enough.”

_“It never is.”_

 

 _But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell_  
_I know right now you can't tell_  
_But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see_  
_A different side of me_  
_I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired_  
_I know right now you don't care_  
_But soon enough you're gonna think of me_  
_And how I used to be_


End file.
